I Was Workin' Hard... Oh I Guess I Never Dreamed...

On A Posting Kick

I live in Manhattan.  I can see the Empire State Building from my window every night... What color it is that night.

Ahhh...  but don't fool yourself.... I live in projects.  Hell, I pay less in the BEST part of the city and everyone. Hell, they are fooled.  I tell them and they think I've got money....

Sure ... I have roommates.

Only lonely often.  This is a stepping stone.

I have not posted lately ...... Well read on....

I went on a job interview today and know what they told me?  I'm OVER QUALIFIED.

Great.  I know I'm awesome.  But someone help me shit. ha ha....

Ya gotta laugh or you'll cry or kill yourself or someone right?

Man Hope is SOOOOO hard to hold onto.

How many of you have family?

Know that if everything fails I mean EVERYTHING.... you have somewhere to go?  No matter what age?  Well.... I'm an adult.  I have to do this on my own.  They love me.  But mine is small.... (family that is) and they worry.  I can't worry them more.

It was my choice.  I moved to a city of struggle.  A city that where the amazing means you have to more amazing than the other one. 

I refuse to believe I won't make it.  That's just not me damn it!   But it's getting fucking hard.

I'm sooooo broke..... I took toilet paper from a bar so I'd have some.

Can you conceive of that? Bet you think I'm sad? I don't care.

I ate popcorn and tuna the other night for dinner.  Meanwhile going out dressed vintage impeccable.

But isn't that what it's about?  Shit, My Idol Patti Smith did it....... In fact Patti told me and I quote (As I met her.... Nothing will stop me when I want it) 

"Don't be afraid to hurt" 

Everyone who's larger than life did.... Bruce.... Patti.... anyone that wasn't handed shit..... I look up to them.  It's what you make of it that makes the difference... OH BUT.....

DON'T FOOL YOURSELF!  Any struggle is a blessing.... hold onto it.

Take those moments.... LET THEM MAKE YOU. HOLD ONTO THEM.  DO SOMETHING.

They made them. It will make me.

We all pay our dues.  Some of us have chosen to be crucified

To soar like angels. 

I'll make it.  I have to.  I have no choice.  Patti had no choice.

You know, I meet people all the time that are amazing.  They enrich me. Weirdos.... Dregs.... I like them most..... 

But I can't tell my family.  I don't want to worry them.... I want that one phone call one day to be "Hey ma.... Hey sis.... I'm good.  Not just good...  fuck I'm amazing"  

I know I'm amazing right this moment.  But that's not enough.  Destiny... The universe.... God.... had told me "Alex.... Your mission is not over... and DAMN I'm gonna make it hard for you!!!! Cause you are not like the others.  If you waste it, you WILL suffer more than you do now"

I dunno how to explain it but I know that.  Every day I want to surrender .... Everyday I want to turn back and have my old world.  But that's a mistake.... a cop out.  

Ever feel like you're cheating yourself and do it anyway ... it's inside............ 

Most ignore it.  Cause it's too hard.  And God has mercy on them.  Because he ALLOWS THEM to just do it.  I'm not allowed.  It's so frustrating.  Everyday I want to backtrack.  

But God gave me RED BOWS on my shoes.

I have no choice.

Follow me. TIE RED BOWS ON YOUR SHOES.  It's a hard walk but I assure you.... You may walk alone... But that walk will be so rewarding.  Red bows tattered and torn and grey at the end but I assure you... No matter what walk of life.... grab your bows... have courage... You won't walk alone.....  walk with us......

Cause when it unfolds and your feet are tired they'll be a seat.  You'll be amazed at comforting a seat.  I don't mean steal toilet paper or eat tuna.... but find your RED BOW somehow and tie it to your show and FUCKING WALK WALK WALK... I know you'll get tired... I urge you... DON'T STOP .....  If I don't find you someone will  but don't stop walking.  A seat awaits. 

For Joey Ramone R.I.P

Wait, they don’t love you like I love you; wait, they don’t love you like I love you

If Joey Ramone were Alive

I'd be his girlfriend.  And YET No one understands it.... Always the "Good looking" ones.... 

I mean hell what about the shy awkward ones?  I say DAMN IT Rise Above!!!!

Now that all the Nerds have finally had their REVENGE....

In the day of Spider man movies and comicon.... I mean damn look who the nerds look at?

Isn't that a smidge hypocritical?

I am SO NOT THAT AMAZING.... I mean shit I'm OK but.... Would Joey want that?

One of my nerd friends still mocks my love for Joey just cause he's ugly.  Well Damn you I say If Nerds have found their place NOW then let the shy, awkward, ugly rise 

MAKE ROOM I SAY! 

Miss Alex (This was me last summer) LOVES (heart heart hearts)

Joey Ramone...

Worst part is .... I sometimes think no matter how cute everyone finds me... Maybe he'd look at me and think ewww....

That girl would NEVER get me.... 

HA HA HA... The irony.... He, supposedly "Ugly" would probably find me repulsive. Just because I love him so....

*Le Sigh* 

I Was Told....

Not to focus on the past.... Not to be sad on the "Then"

But shit I can't help it when my moment (these months what have you) these moments are so bleak....

Crap, Sure it will pass sure it will but let me whine I say! .... Ha Ha !!!!

Read on!!!! ENJOY IT!

*Grin*

I just hope someone follows to something they relate .... then I've spoken... then my job is done.

In All My Best Efforts

I don't know if my husband and I will ever really work it out.  He's not a bad person.  Just stuck.  Stuck in feelings and things he hasn't begun to work on... Feelings of old memories that I've done to hurt him.  

The key is if he really looks at all that has gone on... And not just what's hurt him but what's hurt me and hurt us in total... I think maybe then can we start new.  But right now he's not there.  I don't want to give up hope.  But I'm feeling like it's very one sided.  I fully support he has feelings and reasons to be angry.  I only hope one day he sees both sides.  Considers all in why we are where we are now.  And moves past it.  Musters up the courage to move ahead and practice forgiveness as I have tried so very hard to do to focus on the one thing that is most important.  Us.  

I'm tired ... Tired of other people's opinions of what I should do...

Tired of games.  I don't want to regress and ignore his phone calls or hold onto anger.

He wants and needs space.  I understand.  I will give it to him.  But in this new year I can't go on like I have been.  Waking up depressed.  Wondering if he'll call me...

Feeling crushed when we fight.  Waiting around for him to get over being angry if we fight.  Feeling needy.

 I was never like that ... I don't even know who I am anymore.... I wanted so much to hold on I lost myself and my strength.

I will give him his space.  And I will leave him alone.  But it breaks my heart that I have to do that.  All I want is for us to have that innocent love like we once did.  

Get back together... remarry and start over.  

Not ever bringing up or doing the things that destroyed us the first time.

Only I won't be treated badly anymore.  I won't chase him if he wants that.  

I won't call and pretend like everything is hunky dorey when he hurts me just because I want him back.  I won't be mousy and apologetic.  I will let him have what he wants.  Even if I don't want that.

But I can't go on pretending and waiting for phone calls ... or acting like I'm 100% to blame.  I just can't ... It's destroying me. 

I am in the hardest place in my life.

Why does it have to be this way?  We had a love that was supposed to be stronger than every one's.  He moved here from Germany and left his life to join mine.  We had a love that was long distance ... Phone calls that lasted all night... and good night to the stars delivered over oceans....

Finally to become one... People take each other for granted every day.... and live on the same soil.  We overcame all odds.  Joined in a love that was more special than most.

But time passes.  People change.  We meet others and that seeps in like a drip on an old rooftop.  Influences on the outside.... Mistakes are made .... feelings get hurt and stifled.... tension builds.  Fights and Animosity over takes

Where forgiveness and apology once ruled.

And now..... two separate apartments and lives.  Where we were joined as one.  Who gave up first?  Perhaps me.  But how could we go on like we had for so long?  Something had to give. 

Fine.  I had more time to reflect.  Settle in... So this space is ok ... he should find himself as well.  But Where is it going to end?  How is it going to end?  I'm alone feeling lost wondering.  

I am willing to give him the things he needs.  Not take him for granted anymore.

 I see now what I didn't see then.... 

Will he see now what he didn't see then?  It's just a damn shame ... I don't want to let go of something we worked harder for than most.

I want to be a better person full of happiness together 

... Spirit... Kindness... Understanding... Putting pride down.... And meeting half way. Forgiveness

So far I only see me wanting to do this stuff.  He is still angry.  He feels I have a lot of making up to do.  Certainly I agree.  But I feel the same.  Only he's not there yet. This was us Halloween...  2006 I believe.....White Trash.... I remember making him sit still so I could style that atrocious wig to make it look real.... *giggle* Oh what a fun night that was...

I made this on photoshop for him.... I remember working on this book about us. About our new life... A cartoon version of our story....

Give me back the boy I fell in love with.  Bring back the hope we once had.

This was us.  Our first picture.

 God how I miss him.  This... This us. This was us 2004.

Bad Habbit

Music really effects me. Some people watch TV ... I'm all music.  Cook with it... Clean with it... you get it.

My bad habit?  I look too much at the past.  Perhaps why it takes me twice and long to get over shit.  Cause I hold onto shit that "WAS" and not is.....

Ok Ok Habit.  I put on music.... That reminds me of good times in my life.  

Especially when it comes to my pain at the moment.  My tune of the evening ... Corinne Bailey Rae... Put your records on 2007.....

Truthfully I set the wheels in motion for a separation with my husband.... We fought ALL the time... But fuck me I miss him ... it pains my soul.  

I remember when we met... he was a boy... innocent... but that was... and is what is.... 

But this song reminds me of the time when we met and were happy. 

We were best friends.

Ironically it's got a positive message... 

When will it stop hurting?  Cause I feel destroyed.  I miss when we were us.  Somehow once holding hands walking down the same road....

We got lost in the tide ... We got separated. 

 And when we found each other we were strangers.