I don't know if my husband and I will ever really work it out. He's not a bad person. Just stuck. Stuck in feelings and things he hasn't begun to work on... Feelings of old memories that I've done to hurt him.
The key is if he really looks at all that has gone on... And not just what's hurt him but what's hurt me and hurt us in total... I think maybe then can we start new. But right now he's not there. I don't want to give up hope. But I'm feeling like it's very one sided. I fully support he has feelings and reasons to be angry. I only hope one day he sees both sides. Considers all in why we are where we are now. And moves past it. Musters up the courage to move ahead and practice forgiveness as I have tried so very hard to do to focus on the one thing that is most important. Us.
I'm tired ... Tired of other people's opinions of what I should do...
Tired of games. I don't want to regress and ignore his phone calls or hold onto anger.
He wants and needs space. I understand. I will give it to him. But in this new year I can't go on like I have been. Waking up depressed. Wondering if he'll call me...
Feeling crushed when we fight. Waiting around for him to get over being angry if we fight. Feeling needy.
I was never like that ... I don't even know who I am anymore.... I wanted so much to hold on I lost myself and my strength.
I will give him his space. And I will leave him alone. But it breaks my heart that I have to do that. All I want is for us to have that innocent love like we once did.
Get back together... remarry and start over.
Not ever bringing up or doing the things that destroyed us the first time.
Only I won't be treated badly anymore. I won't chase him if he wants that.
I won't call and pretend like everything is hunky dorey when he hurts me just because I want him back. I won't be mousy and apologetic. I will let him have what he wants. Even if I don't want that.
But I can't go on pretending and waiting for phone calls ... or acting like I'm 100% to blame. I just can't ... It's destroying me.
I am in the hardest place in my life.
Why does it have to be this way? We had a love that was supposed to be stronger than every one's. He moved here from Germany and left his life to join mine. We had a love that was long distance ... Phone calls that lasted all night... and good night to the stars delivered over oceans....
Finally to become one... People take each other for granted every day.... and live on the same soil. We overcame all odds. Joined in a love that was more special than most.
But time passes. People change. We meet others and that seeps in like a drip on an old rooftop. Influences on the outside.... Mistakes are made .... feelings get hurt and stifled.... tension builds. Fights and Animosity over takes
Where forgiveness and apology once ruled.
And now..... two separate apartments and lives. Where we were joined as one. Who gave up first? Perhaps me. But how could we go on like we had for so long? Something had to give.
Fine. I had more time to reflect. Settle in... So this space is ok ... he should find himself as well. But Where is it going to end? How is it going to end? I'm alone feeling lost wondering.
I am willing to give him the things he needs. Not take him for granted anymore.
I see now what I didn't see then....
Will he see now what he didn't see then? It's just a damn shame ... I don't want to let go of something we worked harder for than most.
I want to be a better person full of happiness together
... Spirit... Kindness... Understanding... Putting pride down.... And meeting half way. Forgiveness
So far I only see me wanting to do this stuff. He is still angry. He feels I have a lot of making up to do. Certainly I agree. But I feel the same. Only he's not there yet. This was us Halloween... 2006 I believe.....White Trash.... I remember making him sit still so I could style that atrocious wig to make it look real.... *giggle* Oh what a fun night that was...
I made this on photoshop for him.... I remember working on this book about us. About our new life... A cartoon version of our story....
Give me back the boy I fell in love with. Bring back the hope we once had.
This was us. Our first picture.
God how I miss him. This... This us. This was us 2004.
3 comments:
WOW..that last picture. That is the image of love. I will tell you what my Dad told me when I lost someone I cared about. She couldn't be there for me when my Dad was dying for her own reasons but I hated her for that. My Dad said that if I didn't forgive her then ALL I would have left of her was the hate. Once I did what he said to do, all I remember now are the good times. Hardest thing to be on this planet is a human being. I can't fault anyone for the mistakes they made trying to be just that, human. That is how I live with myself. Hope he finds that same path with you.
I found you from Sans Pantaloons. I love your site. I’m going to poke around a little bit, but don’t worry I’ll put everything back where I found it!!
HAHA Kate nice to know someone likes it still... feels a little lonely here... hell feel free to poke around my site used to be so fun and happy but yeah well I write as I feel here and I'm going through a separation so ya get it.... but I'm still full of spirit .... visit anytime you like I LOVE new friends. :) touch what you like but make a list if you wanna borrow so I wont forget to ask for it back. Or a tleast giggle
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