If ... I Would... Regret... Leading to loss.. No Pictures this Time.

Figure out all the mistakes I made in your mind I'd avoid them.

If I could apologize a million different times a million different ways I would.

If I could take back leaving you alone so many time unknowingly... I would.

If we could be young again and giggle at the same things... I gladly would give it all so we could... and I would.

If I knew when you were and angry and stop it that very second I would.

If you would have told me... Or you did but not in a way I could understand... 

If I could go back in time and see that I neglected you I would.

If I could spend more time with you than my friends I would.

If doing that meant we'd be different... like we were... I would.  In a second.

If perhaps I didn't hurt you... and you didn't not tell me fully... or maybe I heard... and we didn't go on separate vacations... and it meant it would work out?  I would.

If I didn't feel lonely... I wouldn't have.

If we didn't fight so much.  

If there were a million ways to make it better... to help you forget ... to make us move forward... to bring us back to day one... I so would. 

If I could recapture your innocence... the way you looked at me ... your adoration.  I would.

If I could go back to the beginning to feel the love you had for me and how much I enjoyed it and show you more that I did instead of acting so cool.... I fucking so would. 

If I could change your opinion of me now... the opinion I don't fully understand and work toward being... just so you love me again... I would.

If I could show you just how much I remember the boy I married... the one full of hope and newness.... If I could point him out like he were not you... some where... and tell you to look ... so you could see someone else.... I would.

If I could turn it all around ... before we moved into that God forsaken place ... When I was starving for friends but you were my best and didn't take you for granted.  I SO would.

If I could find that spirit in you... The one that would live every single day figuring out just how to make me happy... cause it made you happy to figure it out..... God I would.

If I could take back all my nastiness.... all your insults... all our fights.  I would.

If I could have understood you just a little....

If I listened.

If you listened.

If I didn't get excited about new friends..... 

If I made all my plans with them... ours and not mine.....

God I would.

If I didn't start the train rolling in that direction..... that one direction that made you glad to trust me and eventually feel taken for granted... I'd take it back in a second.

If life didn't perhaps call on this to happen... 

If I knew what to do.... 

If you'd just listen to my sorrow... and know that I need that spirit... the one I still try and hold onto... the one you were.... The boy.... Meeting the girl... the innocence... The giggles... The newness... The excitement.... The longing to hear each other via e-mail cause you were so far... The talks on the phone for you all night long... for me after work.... The 6 hour difference and your persistence to call and say goodnight and I love you... Your surprise visits... Your excitement about me... 

God I so would. 

Your excitement to marry me.  Doing it all behind my back with my friend Jessica... Knowing just what I wanted... Listening to every word I said so you knew what candy I liked... What present to buy me... What gum I liked... What chocolate on my period... and that umbrella that meant so much to me that I couldn't afford.... 

Fuck I would.

To get to know ... not knowing I was in love with that boy when my heart got broken... The one that called me not knowing ANY English reading it off of a piece of paper... the one that stitched up the cut in my heart from Dani... That let me step white paint on black pants and STILL love me hubby.... IN A SECOND I WOULD.

 The one that drove me home in Germany drunk as a favor from my friend Wastl who knew I was too drunk to stay at the club - FUCK I HAD NO IDEA this boy would be my husband... 

The one who I bought tequila shots for in that club in that club long deeeeep into the the German woods when I had only ONE smoke left... and had to pee like crazy... they served it with an orange and I started to tip them not knowing they make AMAZING salary (not like our bartenders working for tips) and stopped me... We drank and danced... funny that club I remember had a NY skyline.

I would.... I would... I would.... 

If I could have back that guy... the one that held me up at Port Authority Bus Station when I was so tired and drunk and couldn't even stand anymore because I didn't know it was a holiday and had to wait till 7 am for a bus... the one that held me up in his arms like "Weekend at Burneys" cause I was so tired.... The same one that got just as annoyed as I did cause when we got home there was a parade 2 hours later for Memorial or Labor day?????? In my bullshit white rich town ..... 

I'd take him back.

The boy that flew out here and didn't tell me... more than once to surprise me.  The one that e-mailed me first thing every morning... The one that FUCKING SENT ME ROSES VALENTINES DAY FROM GERMANY TO MY CORPORATE DESK just cause he wanted to make me happy... just cause he wanted to piss off my republican boss who complains no one loves her and she never got flowers and picked on me and made my life hell ... and just cause he fucking loved me....and just cause he loved me....  I would.

(I still have those flowers... I'd drop dead if something happened to them)

The guy that KNEW me.  So much... that If he were to propose to me (Which he stated to me he would... and I scoffed at cause I wasn't believing it and not ready) The one that KNEW exactly who I was.  How I'd like it done.  He knew I like big scenes.  He knew I liked to be the star of the show... and FUCK could I have EVER imagined ... could I?  No way.... 

The boy who figured out just by "listening" to stories when we met that I stayed at the Plaza (One of the most amazing hotels next to the later I'm speaking of hotels in NYC) and not the Waldorf... booked a suite there for our engagement... (NOT FUCKING CHEAP KIDS not even by wealthy standards) The boy who knew I had NEVER ice skated... no less at Rockafeller plaza.... (for all you non New Yorkers where they stand the NY tree with the amazing statue under it) and made a banner that ran across the ENTIRE rink that said our names on it... and proposed to me... so the everyone skating stopped... everyone above looking down awaited my answer... and fumbled his words... and was shaking and scared on one knee and ice skates ... and I said "Ja" in his language so he understood I said yes... and we hugged and all of New York City applauded... only then did I see everyone stopped skating and was clapping.

God I would.

And the boy that took me to Tavern on the Green... One of the oldest at one time prestige places to eat in Central Park the next day... buying me 8 flutes of champagne at 10 dollars a glass and lunch... and AGAIN even after I FUCKED it all up... cause that place that was famous was closing down and everyone in NY who was NY ever had to have one last meal ... took me for lobster on surprise this January... That guy... 

I so would.

The guy that flew all his friends I met in Germany that I got along with and had SO MANY super laughs with in on surprise in a van in fucking German LEIDER HOSEN cracking a barrel of German beer flown in cause I LOVE I won't drink any beer unless it's from Germany on my front stairs on my wedding day... SO EXCITED TO SEE ALL OF THEM ???? SERIOUSLY????

I'd so would... 

The one would buy me the right candy... The right snack on my period... The bottle of white whine and Swiss cheese and grapes chopped up in little squares with toothpicks cause I liked it... The one who WITHOUT A THOUGHT of looking gay or feeling like less of a man served all of my girlfriends martinis at my sex and the city party when the box set came out.  

I would I would I would I would I would I would.

The one WHO LEFT HIS COUNTRY TO LIVE IN MINE FOR ME.

I would.

The one who'd offer me advice even when not always knowing what to say ... hugging me and just saying it will be ok.... The one who gave me hope doing only that.... and it got me ahead...

I would.

The one who'd make me "Special" breakfast because he knew I was working out so he'd make me peanut butter and jelly (Protein) before the gym and sliced cucumbers and whatever snack that followed be it yogurt or apples nuts or grapes.

I would.... cause he knew and tried I would.

The guy that I didn't expect to be standing outside of my job with an umbrella when it was pouring rain (cause I took the train home) parked out front... but stood there with that umbrella picking me up so I wouldn't get wet from my work lobby to the car.... 

I would.

The one that planned so many surprises that I by accident pretty much almost fucked up cause of timing or suggestion.... 

I would.

The guy that introduced me to "The Christmas Calender" apparently *and I never did this in my family* you give gifts from December first... to the Christmas day to children... I dunno chocolate... little tinker toys... Introduced me to that... and made it BIGGER... from constructing NYC buildings out of paper... I would open one door at a time one year... to bags one day at a time with bows and gifts..... Surprises... from DVDs to nuts and chocolates... 

I would in a heart beat..... 

The guy that taught me German cuisine and MADE ME hike in German forests with cows and back to amazing grand momma German cooked food tucked away deep in the woods ... food that changed my life.

I would.

The guy that took down that "Leaf clock" in his living room .... Just for me... because it ticked... and I can't sleep with a ticking clock... 

I would.... 

The guy that shared cigarettes when he had 2 left even when he hated me ... The one that always did our laundry and let me sleep in... The one that drove me to work every other day... The one that let me spend money even though we didn't have it (allowed me to buy 2 pairs of NY priced shoes when we had budget for one) 

The one that cleaned and painted... bought that summer pool to make me happy cause he knew I'd LOVE IT No matter how ghetto... The one who taught me to swim the correct way at the gym... and swam better than all those jerky Guido's with slim bodies at the pool.. he he he... 

I would..... 

The one that picked me up at Robyn's that night in Brooklyn from New Jersey at like 3 am AND brought a sandwich ... just cause he KNEW I'd have the muchies from drinking all night.

The one who asked my mother FIRST If he could marry me... Just cause he's respectful and raised right... and she was my mom and dad... she nearly passed out at his sweetness..... 

The one that sent me one post card a day with pictures all separate I had to put together to see what it was and it was him ... cause I missed him.

I would.

The one that chased me... even when I was confused... when I fucked up... wanted to make "us" work even though I TOTALLY shit all over it... for my reasons of course that I didn't communicate correctly ... or maybe didn't understand... and felt lonely... and strayed... and messed us up... and he hurt him and us... and he still wanted to make it work... at least for a little while.

The one I went to private German lessons 20 bucks an hour for every day after work uptown in NY tired and half hung over (ok shit I was 28 cut me some slack) but still went twice a week for 2 hours to learn HIS language.... broke and used my party money towards.... 

FUCK yeah I'd do it again.

The one that made me angry... OH SO MANY TIMES.... and we'd fight... and I'd get that call at work in the mornings... and he'd call and I'd answer... and I'd say "Hi.." and he'd say "Hi..." and both of us not knowing who should say sorry first... and he'd say "Look... last night was stupid... I'm sorry ok?"..... and I'd break down and say I'm sorry too....

That one... Not the one that stopped saying sorry that I'd wish would say sorry just cause I wanted to hear it... and didn't anymore... 

I'd take that one back... I would.

The one that was amazing before I hurt in so many ways I didn't mean or want to.... or understand I did.... even if I he told me.... Just cause I grew up selfish and spoiled.

That one... that one that perhaps I hurt first ... then he hurt back... then we hurt each other ... 

That first one... I'd take him ... I would.... 

The one that even when angry still forgave me... gave .... whole heatedly... because he loved me.... and that made him whole... to love his wife... to make her happy even when she was stupid and didn't get it... 

I'd take him.

I would.....

I would try and be a better person for him ... knowing he changed ... because people change and grow... sometimes good sometimes bad... but he grew away from the boy I loved with spirit and innocence in his eyes... where responsibility was very important but adventure... giggles... and me was his happiness.... If he worked with me a little... and read this post and reread this post and rearead this post and reread this post and thought..... and heard my heart... my pain... and tried... and listened... maybe I wouldn't be such a mess.... cause I'd know I'd have that guy back.  The one that had no wall between us.....

I would take that back .... I would work hard to be us or at least us that he'd like... 

that I liked.

If he just made time for me first like he used to... If he just made me his wife again... If we were connected and he made me first as a wife should be ... I'd start over and make him first.  If we weren't separated paying separate rents.... in separate cities... If we didn't let any one's opinions in... If we giggled like we did when life was simple... in one room... living at my mom's house... where my plans NONE of them didn't include asking him to come.  And the only reason he didn't was because he really didn't feel like it....... If he asked me to come out now with him and his friends instead of me hearing it the next day because we have damaged what we had and I have to not know if we are working toward it or what's going on?

I would.... I would so take us the way we were... I'd so start back from square one... 

I so want him to be excited about ME so much that he can't wait to see me again... 

I so want for him to know I'd love it to be like that.  That perhaps because I felt whatever I felt... neglected... he was bored.... I was not held... or life was routine or he was bored... I'd never have messed up.... that I was so starved for friendship (not that he didn't provide everything I've ever wanted) *and he knows*  But that I was so starved for friends that understood me... that I could hang out with all the time ... cause friends of mine weren't really friends or didn't make themselves available that when I met certain other people... (you know who I mean) I went crazy hanging out and going out all the time... I got so wrapped up in my new friends ... I neglected you.  Where at one time I wouldn't DARE go out without you or asking you... I took your kindness for granted ... went out often without you.  Because you knew it made me happy.  And my happiness was your first happiness.... and I fouled us up not knowing.

Then he..... felt bad.  Often disappointed.... Often like the 3rd wheel... held it in... then would blow up... and we'd fight.  And maybe it was said to me...

Maybe I didn't understand because I'm defensive.  Maybe I watched my father ruin our lives... my family... my mother and sister... and all of us... Maybe I wouldn't be told what to do.... and when I was wrong... I got defensive. And maybe you had things that bothered me... even if it was the right thing to do... such as budgets and such .... and maybe I wasn't too grown up to do that yet... Maybe I just didn't like how you presented it to me.  Maybe I felt pressured....

If we did things different... I would.  But we still can... Cause I love you.

If you could not just read this and hear me and my apology to you for my mistakes... If you could see the person you also were that I loved.....

I would..... maybe you would.  

If you would hear me...... I would..... I would try to improve in the ways you'd like me to.

If you understood I miss the guy I met... and maybe you can't fully be that... but let the fuck go a little... and not just be hurt over what I did and who I am.... but think about why I did and what that made me...

I would... I could......... We could... 

I say... and still think... and still say...when I talk about us....

 "You know out of all the couples in this world.... we tried so hard.... you moved your ENTIRE LIFE to come here... to be with me... we worked harder than everyone on the planet to make us happen......... we should be the last ones to not forgive ... to fight... and to devalue each other"

We used to be on the same team.  Hating our ex's ... laughing and making fun of them... now we are fighting each other.

I'm sad.... 

I just want you to know with my whole heart I miss you deeply and...

I would.  I did... I still would.